Dear Gary: Gary’s Crypto Rollercoaster

Dear Gary,

Seriously, dude? I mean, really? I have to say, when you were chosen for the gig, we were all “Hallelujah!” You, of all people, a blockchain teacher at MIT, a crypto fanboy who once sang praises about projects and their founders, and now, it feels like we’re getting bit by the same dog that we’ve fed. Talk about a buzzkill!

You proclaim, “I’m here to protect you!”, like you’re some crypto Superman. Yet, where was that cape when BlockFi was involved? I seem to remember a hefty $100 million bill you gladly accepted from them. But, in a move that reeked of hypocrisy, you didn’t prevent them from snatching our cash. Instead, you barred them from providing us high interest on stable coins. Gary, we’re talking about stable coins here – digital cash that doesn’t nosedive unless Uncle Sam decides to play a devaluing game.

And don’t even get me started on FTX and your chum, Sam. How many tête-à-têtes did you two have, huh? And, somehow, you missed any inklings of off-ness? No oversight on FTX.US? That’s some friendship you got there, Gazza.

I gotta wonder, why do I need your “protection”? Shouldn’t I be able to invest my hard-earned money wherever the hell I want to? Yet, I’m green-lighted to waste my funds on nonexistent penny stock companies or gamble my life savings away on a casino roulette, but heaven forbid I risk a dime on a revolutionary technology that can flip my world upside down in the best possible way.

Now, onto your latest misadventure. Simultaneously gunning for Coinbase and Binance? Bold move, Gare-bear. Just remember to ask your pal SBF about CZ before you make your move. Sam was the big kahuna, transformed FTX into a top-tier exchange, had celebs and athletes hyping up FTX like there’s no tomorrow, owned a major sports arena’s naming rights, was the hero buying or bailing out competitors, and got taken down by CZ with a mere tweet. A tweet, Gaz! CZ, the Elon Musk of Crypto – you may wanna tread lightly.

And don’t underestimate Brian Armstrong, the guy’s not here for participation trophies. He’s ready to hit back, and he’s got you in a sticky spot already. It was you, after all, who gave Coinbase the thumbs-up for public trading, and now you want to bring them down? It’s like you’re shooting yourself in the foot. Both Armstrong and CZ have been bracing for your move, G-man. Spoiler alert: It’s not going to be a Hollywood ending. Ripple has already shown you that, remember?

Here’s the big question, Gary. Do you genuinely believe you can halt this crypto movement? Do you even understand the breadth of crypto’s global reach? This isn’t a USA-only party. By throwing up regulatory roadblocks, you’re setting America back in the global crypto race, while other progressive nations are rolling out the red carpet. Your actions aren’t just inhibiting individuals, but corporations too, and could drive them elsewhere. And honestly? Fine by me! It’s a one-way ticket to DeFi, which is the ultimate goal, anyways. Slap restrictions on centralized exchanges? Who cares! Uniswap and Exodus wallet have got me covered!

Honestly, Gary, pull yourself together. You’re becoming your own worst nightmare. The voices demanding your resignation are getting louder, and your public dressing-downs in congress aren’t helping your case. Ignore Liz, reject the shady handshakes, and just back off!

And one more thing, where was this regulatory hawk-eye when SBF was making it rain? Oh wait, he was “donating” wasn’t he? Wink, wink.

Take care, not that you have been, Coins Chick 🐣

P.S. Keep an eye out, Crypto is like a hydra, cut one head and two grow back. We’re not going anywhere, honey.

Check out my NFT project, Crypto TwinZ

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